Lucija is concerned about leaving her revolver behind when she comes to Englandshire. She's used it more than once in the US of A and doesn't like to let it out of her reach. We have strict background checks for firearms over here though and she'll need to pass those before she can get her brother to send her revolver over.

She favours the Smith & Wesson .38 revolver. Short barreled job. These days I go with the Berretta 92. I'm older and I reckon if I can't do the job with four shots then I'll do it with fourteen.

Let's hope we don't argue. We both have short tempers. "Getting scrappy" as she calls it.

I can see her now rolling across the living room in her wheelchair. Firing over her shoulder and wondering which pocket she left her speedloader in. I'm not sticking my head out of the kitchen. I can just blast away in the general direction without looking.

She'll go for the high ground but that means using the stairlift to get up to the bedrooms. I could use a grenade but I'm rubbish at throwing things uphill. It'd probably just bounce back down. Have you ever tried getting away from a fizzing grenade when you're using a walking frame?

And what would the neighbours think? We don't want to be antisocial do we? Waking their kids up and suchlike.

Probably best if we don't get scrappy.