Some extracts from President GW Bush's new book

From Climax to Foreplay: President George W Bush's Step-by-Step Guide to Total Erotical Pleasurement.

This is the bit before you get to the real business which means that it is the real business because that is where it really begins. A lot of guys think that it is called foreplay because it's like being on the green when you're about to play golf. You shout "Fore!" and then you give it your best shot. That is a common misconceivement. The reason why it is called foreplay is simple. It's called that because it involves four people – you, Mr Mouse, her and her Miss Cha-Cha.

Getting undressed.
Some folks believe you should get undressed before the commencement of foreplayfication. Others like to get undressed when the other person is getting dressed. It's like the old saying says: the person that wears the trousers can choose between wearing trousers and not trousers wearing.

It's up to you to make your own erotical choice. What I know is this. Make sure you take your clothes off in the right order. The guy whose Mr Mouse never gets to meet Miss Cha-Cha because his two legs are stuck in the same-trouser leg is never going to discover horizontal pleasurement. Here's how it goes: shirt buttons, socks, first cowboy boot, underpants, trousers, cufflinks, second cowboy boot, jacket, Stetson.

Some ladies like guys to keep their cowboy boots on which gets into a whole new ball-game. It's way too complicated for me, I can tell you that.

Premature evacuation.
This is where things can get kinda sticky. Sometimes, while you're getting undressed, Mr Mouse gets exciteder by Miss Cha-Cha than is strictly expropriating and is so ahead of himself that he's finishing from the starting-blocks. That's when he evacuates.

There's a simple erotical technique when this happens. You say, "Uh-oh, honey. I think I just done evacuated there." When it comes to sexual pleasurement, policy is always the best honesty.

There's on old saying – a feast is as good as enough said. What this means in an erotical context is that when Mr Mouse is still hungry after some snacking, that's in the natural God-made nature of things. A man's got to do what no man is an island. On the other hand, when Miss Cha-Cha goes crazy like some old bucking bronco on the ranch, that's what we sexologists call symphonia.

When a guy meets a symphomaniac, he needs to grab his Stetson and get the hell out of there. Symphonia can lead to preversion and all sorts of weird unnatural positions out of that Indian sex book, the Dalai Lama, which no normal man can do.

Leastways with his cowboy boots on.