Partly due to an incident which happened to me in the early seventies (I'd lost a chunk of one of my vertebrae) I'd had back problems for years. Sometimes I'd be laid up for weeks at a time. So, about twenty odd years ago, I'm down at the doctors again. Usual pile of painkillers, muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories.

"Hey, we've got a new girl here." says Ian (my doctor), "Chinese girl. She'll sort your back out for you.".

Holy Mother........yes. I find oriental looking girls incredibly attractive (and that's putting it mildly). When I was at college my girlfriend of about three months was the incredible Miranda from Hong Kong. I couldn't get enough of her and was very sorry when she had to go back to Hong Kong. That's her picture at the top. You can click on it to expand it.

Plus, I'd seen 'You Only Live Twice'. I knew what to expect. I'd lie on a leather topped table and she'll walk up and down my spine in a white bikini with a stethoscope 'round her neck. Well sign me up for some of that Ian, I'm all for it.........purely in the medical sense of course.......:)

I turn up on the day and she's everything I'd expected. Absolutely gorgeous, about five foot four with long hair tied back in a ponytail. "Take of all of your clothes" she says "apart from your shorts. Then go and lie face down on that table.". Shirt buttons popped. I couldn't get there fast enough.

So I'm laying on the table and she pulls up a little trolley. There's a container with dozens of what looks like ten inch long knitting needles in it. She tells me this isn't going to hurt a bit and sticks a knitting needle in my shoulder............wth? Then she sticks one in my other shoulder. She strokes a spot on my back (which was nice) and then she sticks another one in me.

"What's the matter with you woman?"

She tells me it's fine and carries on sticking needles in me.

Down my back, "Careful luv, I left my kidneys down there.".

Down my legs, back of my knees. And then she finishes at my ankles. Now she lugs what looks like a car battery over to her trolley. Apparently there's wires on these needles and she starts connecting them. "This may tingle a bit." she says. Fire ants ran up every nerve in my body. And now she wanders off..........tells me she be back in twenty minutes.

I see Ian passing the open door. "Ian." I shouts out at him, "Ian, your mad woman's pinned me to the table and now she's plugged me into the mains.". Ian grins 'round the corner and tells me it'll do me the world of good. The sod. I'd change doctors but, he's a fast man with a bottle of scotch during consultations and if he sees me wandering home with a load of shopping he'll give me a lift.

After a bit the crazy woman comes back and unplugs me. I wander off and meet wife downtown, blood running down my back and legs. She thinks it's hilarious.........bloody russian.

Anyway, a few years ago I'm mooching around downtown and there's one of these homeopathic, health shops. An absolutely beautiful chinese girl's outside handing out leaflets offering free consultation for what ails you. Well, I thought I'll have some of that so I followed her into the consultation corner of her shop. There's another chinese girl there. I sit down.

What do I need? My hairline's receding but I don't think rubbing a turnip or something on it is going to help. Some 'stop smoking thingy' perhaps?

"The doctor is skilled in this area." says first chick, "She has over ten years of experience.".

"Ja, right."......"You're telling me this girl went to college, then went to medical school and then had years of experience? She is far too young." 'Doctor' blushes and looks down. They exchange some rapid mandarin. I don't speak mandarin but have a little grasp of cantonese. I caught the occasional word (grins). I bought some anti-smoking potion for a fiver.

"As a valued customer," says first girl, "the doctor offers you free massage.". Hmmm, I'm assured there won't be any needles involved so off we go. Up the stairs. There's a room with a massage table and no sign of needles anywhere. "Take off your clothes please and lie face down on the table.". I'm out of my kit faster than Superman in a 'phone box. Practically dove across the room and onto the table.

I'd fantasised that she'd take off her blouse and skirt to keep them clear of massage oil but she just put on a paper gown and rolled her sleeves up. We'll, you can't have everything can you? She massaged my shoulders, down my arms, every single fingerbone. My thighs, my calves. Then she wiped the oil off with a soft white towel before I got dressed again.

Downstairs, first girl whispers to me "This was not business. It was because the doctor wanted to.". I'm fine with that. Sadly, two weeks later the shop closed down. In case anyone's wondering, I told my (now ex) ladyfriend what had occurred, we had no secrets. She was fine with it. At least I think so, sometimes she looks like she's about to go off and invade Poland again when I wind her up.

So, anyway, earlier this year I goes down to my doctor's surgery, minor matter. Ian's pretty much retired now, just doing paperwork and not seeing many patients. I have to see doctor Lee in future.

Doctor Lee is five feet three of chinese gorgeousness. "Take off your clothes" she says, "and hop up onto the examination table.".............I absolutely love my life..........:)

And yes, I know Bjork is icelandic. This is just a very good version of the song.