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Do no harm. After a bit of instruction my cats realised that they didn't need to kill mice or birds and so they stopped doing it. Frankly they weren't very good at it anyway. My eldest cat was frightened of birds and Babycat adored him and did whatever he did. They'd just sit on the fence watching the mice in the long grass.

Cleave to your loved ones. I've lost too many friends and lovers and I don't intend to lose any more. All life is precious and none can ever be replaced.

Always listen to your kiddies. A few years ago my eldest daughter, Hannah Ruth, had some trouble with a street gang. I knew where these people lived. "Leave it to me. I can take care of it." she says to me "And dad, whatever you do don't go blowing their house up. I know what you're like.". So I left it to her and she took care of it on her own.

Back up your children so you have spares in case something goes wrong with some of them. I have three.

Whatever you do don't marry an eastern european girl from a Country where you've been running around killing people. It makes for endless disagreements over dinner.

Don't bother learning to swim. It's a completely pointless exercise. The most water you're going to need is in the bath or as ice cubes in your drink.

Drink every day. I was sober for three whole days back in 1982 and it was an absolutely dreadful experience. My incisive wit deserted me and my table dancing skills vanished completely. My students hardly recognised me.

Learn to drive everything. Cars, tanks, whatever. Ships are the easiest. All you do is move a lever to tell somebody how fast you want to go and then turn a huge steering wheel to point in the right direction. Don't bother learning to fly. If God had meant you to fly he'd have written Lufthansa down your side.

Try to avoid high places. A fall won't kill you but the sudden stop at the end might have serious consequences. Avoid the parachute regiment. They're all mad. They go to work on a wing and a prayer.


The video has absolutely nothing to do with the blog. I just like the Beatles.