Alrighty, I'm feeling a bit better after my last few days. I'd been shaking, couldn't eat, sleeping all the time. Worst of all my balance was completely shot. If I'd fallen I might have broken a hip or something and just laid there for weeks until the neighbours complained about the smell. A bit apocalyptic really. Just when you don't expect it.....bang.....you're gone.

Lucijas' not been too good either but that's not for me to go into details.

It sort of got me thinking about the Apocalypse which lots of people seem to be expecting at the moment. I mean, you can prepare for a computer crash but how do you prepare for 'The Apocalypse'...you know....the big one? I thought I'd look at a few websites for information so I'd be ready.

Apparently in the fifties and sixties when the British Government was expecting nuclear rain from the USSR a matter of overiding concern was wether there would be enough tea stockpiled to see us through a nuclear winter. There was much worry that people might be limited to only twenty cups a week (honest, I'm not making this up).

We were advised to have a horse handy too. Now, I can see the point of that. With a horse you can travel around, get to meet new people. They eat grass and there's lots of that about so you'd never run out of fuel. Plus, you have what comes out of the back end of a horse. Good for the roses. Well, just because it's The Apocalypse there's no reason to let standards fall is there?

There was also a leaflet published in Sydney, Australia. In that they recommended that you put your cat into a pillowcase. I don't know what sort of Apocalypse they were expecting when they felt that an australian cat in a pillowcase would help. Anyway, have you ever tried putting a cat into a pillowcase? That's pretty apocalyptic in itself.

I've been having a deep think about where The Apocalypse might come from and I think I have the answer. It's Zombies.

Have a think about it, the dead outnumber the living and so that's bound to make them a threat. Also, there's suddenly all these zombie films and TV shows flying around. Do the governments of the world know something we don't and they're trying to let us know how to handle it?

So, how do you 'take care' of a zombie? Anybody who's played computer games will know....you shoot them in the head. No worries about running out of ammunition either. There's boxes of it all over the place, behind the sofa, on top of wardrobes, inside dresser drawers. Plus you have those medical packs that fix all your injuries in half a second.

A bit of a problem in England though since our Government restricts firearms licences. I have plenty of swords for head lopping but I don't really fancy getting that close to a zombie. I'd prefer to use my pike and just sort of poke at them from a distance. But, the head fell off it the other week and I'm rather reluctant to stake my life on it now.

In the films they often set them on fire but I'm not sure that'd work. Zombies feel no pain so I think you'd be more likely to be overwhelmed by zombies that smell like BBQ if you tried that.

Which brings me back to the australian cat in a pillowcase. Now I see their cunning plan. When the zombie hordes are shuffling towards you just throw your pillowcasecat into the middle of them. There'd be bone and undead flesh everywhere when he got out.

It's either that or put Wacko Jacko's 'Thriller' song onto your ipod. In the event of zombie threat just turn that on and slip quietly away while they're all dancing.