Some things are extremely terryfying and shouldn't be

I have to write! I know that I am only in a period now where I am somehow able to stumble together meanings with words....when I am not in this period or mood, I can make great efforts, but I know its useless.The words won't come to me and I aslo am shut off to many of the intuitive angles in wich I am able to see things. In a way I shut down my own natural flow and personality. On ipernity I am "more" able to keep this flowing, though I also shut down here. It goes in waves..In everyone else I see continuity...they seem the same more or less all the way. I know how huge my differences can be..and I know it shows both here on ipernity and most of all in my every day life. My friends..may wonder where I went. I don't know. Here I am able to give more, though it scares me...I don't know who is watching...but since I don't I also can't hear them laugh. I can imagine them being indifferent, or the wonderful thought that someone can relate or smile. Someone special taught me a big lesson...one I will have with me and always try and improve. It can never be perfect and that is the beauty. I have many of these...but this is the most important and I don't know if I am able to explain it...probably because it would always mean something different to someone else. But to FOLLOW A NATURAL FLOW: to me this means- to always be able to let go, to never put yourself on a pedistal, to know how unimportant u are in many ways, to speak when u feel it natural, to be thrilled when its only natural on a personal level, not to judge because society has taught u where to do so, to always be ready to throw away your deepest beliefs because they were proven wrong, to accept that u are weak without weakening yourself, to be the emotion u are and feel that particular moment. I changed my profile and deleted the static information I had written about myself...and changed it to what my iper page is about, its a public diary through pictures..and to my extreme horror now also more words. I am putting myself in a position where in some small way I am indifferent to how someone might interpret "me" after seeing and reading, its only chance that made my diary end up here. I have tried to write one before, but it didn't feel right...this has happened by itself through what I feel is something coming natural. But the indifference relates to me trying to depend on myself, why I write this, and not how it will be accepted or trashed in another persons eyes. This is the most revealing thing I have ever done in my whole life....it scares me, it terrifies me, but if I post this...I have one rule...I can't delete it. This is a diary. My fright has always been people. I don't know the source of it...I have many times tried to find it, but I have found out that the source is not the issue, finding myself is. I relate to people where I can find a continuity in personality, that I feel is natural. They may behave in unacceptable ways...I don't care. If I know they are being true (no one is), but at least trying, and I can relate to them, understand them...then I love them. One person in my life has been in his past concidered the lowest trash of society...now that most don't know his background and he has moved past it, he is accepted, more then accepted, people geniounly appreciate him! He is the person I know with the most strenght, flaws, struggle, depression, happiness, but last...the willpower to find himself again.....Beautiful people make you grow! There are many more!! And some will never know that i concider them beautiful And then at last u have yourself...